Giuliani’s REAL 12 Commitments

June 13, 2007

by The Understudy

In a speech June 12th in New Hampshire, Rudy Giuliani laid out his “Twelve Commitments to the American People.” It doesn’t take much to translate each into what he’s REALLY saying.

1) I will keep America on offense in the Terrorists’ War on Us.
Translation: We will wage multiple pre-emptive wars on nations—yeah, that means you __________ (insert any country from Eastern or Southern Hemisphere). And we may need to bring back the draft.

2) I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.
Translation: I will make everyone carry Federal ID cards and papers. Then I’ll let Choicepoint or some other corporation make billions off the data.

3) I will restore fiscal discipline and cut wasteful Washington spending.
Translation: I’ll cut important spending to get funds necessary to hand out more government contracts to Halliburton, etc. and fund the irrational War on Terror.

4) I will cut taxes and reform the tax code.
Translation: If you are a large corporation or a millionaire, you’ll like me. Everybody else gets $20.

5) I will impose accountability on Washington.
Translation: Screw checks and balances, everyone answers to me. This is necessary in a ‘post 9/11 world’, of course.

6) I will lead America towards energy independence.
Translation: I’ll put on a show while we take over oil rich nations while simultaneously moving as fast as a snail toward alternative energy sources.

7) I will give Americans more control over, and access to, healthcare with affordable and portable free market solutions.
Translation: Pharmaceutical companies and medical insurance providers will love me. If you’re poor, you better hope Tylenol fixes it.

8) I will increase adoptions, decrease abortions, and protect the quality of life for our children.
Translation: Someone told me to include this point to get support from a certain group. I reserve the right to be vague or flip flop in this area.

9) I will reform the legal system and appoint strict constructionist judges.
Translation: If I wasn’t clear before, I’ll say it again—everyone answers to me. Oh, and I’ll redefine ‘strict constructionist’.

10) I will ensure that every community in America is prepared for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.
Translation: I’ll keep everyone in a state of fear, and I’ll be ready to declare martial law in any city at any time.

11) I will provide access to a quality education to every child in America by giving real school choice to parents.
Translation: No Child Left Behind Part II—the rise of the silver voucher.

12) I will expand America’s involvement in the global economy and strengthen our reputation around the world.
Translation: I’m a big globalist, and I’ll expand the American Empire and bully other nations so no one dares stand in opposition to US policy. Free waterboarding!



One Response to “Giuliani’s REAL 12 Commitments”

  1. Mobius Says:

    You know, I think you speak fluent Guiliani.
    Well done, sir!
    Well done!

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