by The Understudy

In a speech June 12th in New Hampshire, Rudy Giuliani laid out his “Twelve Commitments to the American People.” It doesn’t take much to translate each into what he’s REALLY saying.

1) I will keep America on offense in the Terrorists’ War on Us.
Translation: We will wage multiple pre-emptive wars on nations—yeah, that means you __________ (insert any country from Eastern or Southern Hemisphere). And we may need to bring back the draft.

2) I will end illegal immigration, secure our borders, and identify every non-citizen in our nation.
Translation: I will make everyone carry Federal ID cards and papers. Then I’ll let Choicepoint or some other corporation make billions off the data.

3) I will restore fiscal discipline and cut wasteful Washington spending.
Translation: I’ll cut important spending to get funds necessary to hand out more government contracts to Halliburton, etc. and fund the irrational War on Terror.

4) I will cut taxes and reform the tax code.
Translation: If you are a large corporation or a millionaire, you’ll like me. Everybody else gets $20.

5) I will impose accountability on Washington.
Translation: Screw checks and balances, everyone answers to me. This is necessary in a ‘post 9/11 world’, of course.

6) I will lead America towards energy independence.
Translation: I’ll put on a show while we take over oil rich nations while simultaneously moving as fast as a snail toward alternative energy sources.

7) I will give Americans more control over, and access to, healthcare with affordable and portable free market solutions.
Translation: Pharmaceutical companies and medical insurance providers will love me. If you’re poor, you better hope Tylenol fixes it.

8) I will increase adoptions, decrease abortions, and protect the quality of life for our children.
Translation: Someone told me to include this point to get support from a certain group. I reserve the right to be vague or flip flop in this area.

9) I will reform the legal system and appoint strict constructionist judges.
Translation: If I wasn’t clear before, I’ll say it again—everyone answers to me. Oh, and I’ll redefine ‘strict constructionist’.

10) I will ensure that every community in America is prepared for terrorist attacks and natural disasters.
Translation: I’ll keep everyone in a state of fear, and I’ll be ready to declare martial law in any city at any time.

11) I will provide access to a quality education to every child in America by giving real school choice to parents.
Translation: No Child Left Behind Part II—the rise of the silver voucher.

12) I will expand America’s involvement in the global economy and strengthen our reputation around the world.
Translation: I’m a big globalist, and I’ll expand the American Empire and bully other nations so no one dares stand in opposition to US policy. Free waterboarding!